Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
soo... how was my night?
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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