Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Randomize
