My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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