just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Randomize
