A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
Hippo gnu deer
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Randomize
