It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
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