He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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