i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
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he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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