Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
We had to coat check the pizza.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
