Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Randomize
