oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Randomize
