My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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