If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
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