ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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