the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize
