So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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