I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Randomize
