I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Randomize
