she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
