I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
