dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
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