Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
