yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
