You don't have asthma, your pregnant
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
is that a dick in a sweater?
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
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