I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Randomize
