Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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