i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Randomize
