I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
i am craving dick and cupcakes
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
