I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
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