i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Randomize
