having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
