**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
Randomize
