So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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