Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
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