BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
