Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
Randomize
