You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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