We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
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