a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
