i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
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He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
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He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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