dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
