Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Randomize
