Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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