Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
