what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
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