Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
Randomize
