Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I'm skeptical of all drag queens.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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