Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
