i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
