Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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