if i can run in heels then i can drive
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
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