she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
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