I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Randomize
