Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Randomize
