I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
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