In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
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