My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
