So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
Are we still banned from the library?
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
