dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Randomize
