Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Randomize
