I will die if light touches me.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
