i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
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